10 Tips for Making Good Decisions...
Without Stressing Out!
Making decisions is the most frequent activity in which we engage.
We do it every day of our lives.
There is no manual for this most vital life skill. Unfortunately, most
of us learn decision-making by trial and error. As Aristotle said, "For the things
we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them." We learn to make
decisions by the act of making decisions.
Like the involuntary systems in our body, much of our thinking goes on
behind the scenes, and our decision-making occurs beneath the surface, often without our
conscious awareness. The word "decide" comes from the same Latin root as the
word, homicide: caedere, meaning, "to kill or cut."
When we decide, we literally "kill or cut off" options and
alternatives until we leave ourselves just one. The problem is that we really never know
if the one we're left with is the best one, nor do we know if one of those we "killed
off" wouldn't have been better. Deciding actually "kills off" our ability
to choose. To compound the matter, we can't know until after the fact if our decision will
work. All too often, once we decide on "the" option, we tend to stay with it,
even if it doesn't work.
How many times have you made a decision that doesn't work, but you
don't change it, or choose again because you feel compelled to stick with it? Why?
It's because you've "killed off" the other alternatives, and
left yourself backed into a corner. Could it also be that you are afraid of looking bad,
appearing foolish, being wrong, facing criticism and hearing ridicule? Do you find
yourself defending, protecting and justifying a decision that no longer works for you -
and likely, one that no longer works for those who are affected by it? Being stubborn,
prideful, resistant, defensive and resentful doesn't make us happy, satisfied and
fulfilled. But it does make us RIGHT, and somewhere along the line we were taught to place
a high value on being right.
For some people, being right is so important that they'd rather be
right than happy. You've heard the story of the guy driving on the right side of the road,
and there's a Mack truck coming right at him? He won't swerve to get out of the way,
because he is right. He winds up "dead" right. Is there a Mack truck in your
life?
Did you raise your hand in school if you had any old answer, or did you
raise your hand only when you thought you had the RIGHT answer? We can waste years,
sometimes a lifetime, standing for being right, rather than standing for being happy and
fulfilled. Families battle and nations fight over who is right and wrong, while the body
counts mount and the casualties rise. Even when we know life is not working the way we
want it to work, we stay with our decisions for fear of admitting we might have made a
"wrong" choice. How sad, and, how very human.
If you are ready to create a whole new world of possibility, and live a
life you love, this report will guide you.
At the end, I invite you to complete a short survey called the
Value Profile. It will give you forever access to your thinking and
decision-making. The Value Profile will help you make good decisions and life choices. It
will give you more insight into YOU than anything you've done to date. It is the operating
guide and owner's manual to the one thing that governs the quality of your life - YOUR
thinking.
Here are 10 tips for making good decisions without stressing out.
1- Consider new language.
As we said, the word decide comes from the Latin roots, "de"
(off) and "caedere" (to kill or cut). When we "decide" we
literally "kill or cut off" choices or alternatives, until we leave ourselves
with just one. This process of elimination is a source of stress and anxiety, and creates
uncertainty about whether we are selecting the best remaining option. Sometimes, it
appears our alternatives come down to the "lesser of two evils" or the best of
what's left.
Consider this linguistic shift: make "choices" rather than
decisions. Decisions are heavy, weighted down with the pressure of being right, not
looking bad or making a "wrong" decision. A decision opens us up to criticism,
ridicule and second-guessing by others, and the all too frequent practice of
self-criticism and regret. Decisions can be so pressure-packed they can cause us to shut
down, paralyzed by the thought (fear) of the possible consequences, ramifications and
implications of "what if" it doesn't work out.
Trying to avoid mistakes, we try to eliminate all the possible
"wrong" answers to find what we believe will be the "right" answer. If
it doesn't work out, we look back and say something like, "I had no choice." Of
course not. You killed them off. This can make life miserable.
Because of pride or the unwillingness to accept we might have been
mistaken, we tend to hang on to our decisions long after they are no longer working. We
feel bad and make ourselves wrong, which disempowers us. If we're stuck, attached to, or
vested in the first decision, and we cut off options and alternatives, it's hard to go
back and re-consider a choice from the original options. We've cut them off.
Instead, CHOOSE. Choosing causes us to take responsibility, and doesn't
cut off or eliminate any options, alternatives or possibilities. We can always choose
again. This simple linguistic shift will alter your life forever.
Every moment, you have the power to choose. What
will you choose right now? Right now? Right now?
2- Recognize, understand
and acknowledge HOW you currently make decisions.
What do you pay attention to, and what do you overlook? What do you see
and what do you miss? Everyone has blind spots. Imagine what it would be like to drive
your car without mirrors. You would only be able to see what's in front of you. You'd miss
everything to the right, left, and behind. You'd be scared to death to take your eyes off
the road, for fear the split second you turned your head you might crash into something.
If your eyes are fixed straight ahead, you cannot know what's off to each side. Even with
mirrors, there is still at least ONE blind spot that requires you to turn your head to
see, or ask your passenger if she can see where you can't. This is how many people live
their lives, seeing only what's right in front of them. This limits your sight, and your
options.
To the degree you are willing to admit and accept you have blind spots,
and ask for assistance and support to see what you can't, is the degree to which you'll
reduce and eliminate much of the stress associated with making choices that work. Open up
to how you think and make choices.
What are you missing, the appearance of which could
alter your next important decision? If you could see what you can't see, how would it
impact the quality of your life?
3- Appreciate that every
decision is made with missing information.
You can never have ALL the necessary information to make a
"perfect" decision. You know what you know, and you know what you don't know.
It's WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW YOU DON'T KNOW that gets in the way of making good choices.
Because we all have blind spots, we simply cannot see all facets of a situation, nor can
we ever have all the information we need to be certain that our choice will work out. Are
you willing to open up your mind and your heart to finding out what you don't know you
don't know?
Imagine this. You and your friends are sitting around a table, and in
the middle is a globe of the world. The question is, "How much of the world is
water?" What's your answer? It depends on where you're sitting, and what you see. If
you're looking at the Pacific Ocean and the Hawaiian Islands, the world appears to be 90%
water. If you are looking at the continent of Asia, your answer might be 10% of the world
is water. Which answer is the "right" answer?
In this game, it's pretty easy to see that both, AND neither, are
right. It's fairly obvious that your answer is based on your view, or perception of the
globe. You see one slice of the world, your slice, and in order to see more of it, you
would have to get up and sit in the other chairs. To see it from all points of view, or to
get the "whole of it" you'd have to sit in every chair and see it from every
angle.
This is a simple exercise and a powerful way to demonstrate how our
view of life is limited to what we see and perceive. Regardless of how
"complete" our view, what we see is only a small slice of all there is. Do you
know people who refuse to see another view, or argue that their view of the world is not
only the right view of the world, but the ENTIRE view of the world? How limiting is this?
There is real value is seeing how much of our lives we live, believing
our view is the ONLY view, our perception is the RIGHT perception, or that what we see is
ALL there is. Sitting in another person's chair would not only help you see the other
view, it actually expands your view. Accepting another perspective doesn't invalidate
ours, but rather enlarges our view and opens up new possibilities. IF we could sit in
everybody's chair (walk in their shoes, see through their eyes), we'd get into their
worlds. It would create a much bigger picture of what's available and possible for us,
rather than being limited only to our view. If everybody could actually live one day
inside another human being, all the disagreements, hurtfulness, violence, war, fear, pain
and suffering on the planet would be understood - and they would all begin to disappear in
that instant.
To see more of the world, make choosing a fun game,
rather than a stressful event. Where in your life can you open up to expanding your view
of the world (and yourself), which would serve you better in living a fulfilled and
satisfied life?
4- Recognize and be with
your fear.
EVERYBODY IS AFRAID, and everybody is pretending not to be. How funny.
The toughest among us put on a good front, but below the surface we all have a fear of
something or someone. Welcome to being human. We invest a lot of time and energy, and
waste far too much of life, pretending we're not afraid. We try to appear strong, avoid
looking bad, being vulnerable, wanting to be liked, approved of, and accepted. We don't
want to be embarrassed, found out, taken advantage of, or dominated, feel regret, and the
list goes on. We all have a list. They are all different, and yet, all the same. The
common denominator is fear.
It's said babies are born with only two fears: falling and loud noises.
Every other fear is learned or conditioned. We are told early on in life, "Don't be
afraid." Or, "Don't cry" (especially boys because, "boys don't
cry"). From that moment on and forever, we are afraid, and, afraid to cry. This
well-meaning but misguided advice denies reality, and sets us up for the rest of our lives
to let fear run us. We make ourselves wrong for being afraid, and weak if we show it. We
go underground and suppress our fear. Whatever we suppress, controls us. What we resist,
persists.
We create the pretense that we're not afraid when we're scared out of
our minds. As we grow up, fear causes us to hesitate, delay, and procrastinate. In an
effort not to expose our fear, we deceive ourselves and others, and deny the truth. It's
very human to be afraid. It's in us, and serves as a survival mechanism, as well as a
warning signal for real danger. The problem is, we've lost our ability to distinguish
imagined danger from REAL danger. The whole world seems dangerous. The funny thing is that
everyone seems to be afraid of everyone else. The other 6.3 billion people are just as
afraid of you, as you are of them.
In this context, we can start to see how the whole human race is
walking around afraid, and pretending not to be. If you can you laugh about this, it's a
good sign. If you stop and think about what we're really afraid of, much of it never
happens, some of it we can't do anything about, and the rest of it isn't as bad as we
imagined it to be. It's helpful to actually say, "I'm afraid of" and complete
the sentence. I'm afraid of looking bad, appearing foolish, saying something stupid, being
wrong, failing, succeeding (many people fear success as much or more than they fear
failure), losing friends and prestige, taking a stand, or whatever it is you fear. Fear is
so prevalent in our culture, it impacts our every aspect of life, effecting our peace of
mind and physical well-being.
What are you afraid of? Put it out there. Let people know you are
afraid. Just expressing it releases some of the fear and worry, and when examined under
the light of reality, fears tend to diminish. Pretending we're not afraid is a lie, and
that lie is literally killing us - in all kinds of ways. On top of it all, we're afraid of
being afraid. Fear is a big contributor to being stressed out. Share your fear with
someone you trust (or even a total stranger).
Which fear is in your way of making an important
decision? Is fear inhibiting you from living a full life? As the popular book title
suggests, FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. FEEL THE FEAR AND CHOOSE YOUR LIFE ANYWAY.
5- Accept that with
choice, comes risk.
Life is risky. It's virtually impossible to eliminate all the risk
associated with making choices. Webster's defines risk as "danger, the possibility of
suffering harm or loss." This explains why risk is one of our greatest fears. Fear
and risk are blood brothers. We fear the risks associated with life. We're taught to
"be careful" and "watch out" for danger. Yet, much of the juice in
life is where the risk is. Why do so many people love scary movies?
Trying to eliminate or minimize risk is playing the game of life
"not to lose" rather than living to win. I'm not advocating jumping off the
Empire State Building. But many of the every day risks are far more risky in our minds
than in reality. Think back to the first school dance, with the boys on one side and the
girls on the other. Or, the first time you asked someone for a date, or were asked out on
a date. Is there a more emotionally paralyzing fear or heart-palpatating risk than the
risk of rejection? What is rejection? It's simply someone saying no. Rejection is a made
up fear, a scary story we tell ourselves so often that we frighten ourselves. But it is
very real for most of us, and grips us so tightly that is can create physical illness, and
reduce our mental well-being.
To the degree you get comfortable with accepting life is inherently
risky, you will ease the pressure, stress and strain of making choices. Ask yourself,
"Is my fear made up, or is there a real danger here? What's the worst that can happen
here? Will it really harm me if I just accept the outcome? What would I do if I knew I
could handle whatever happens?"
We make up stories about things that happen, and those stories run our
lives. She said no (she "rejected"me), so asking for a date is risky. I didn't
get the toy I wanted, so asking for what I want is risky. He criticized me for expressing
myself, so speaking my mind is risky. She didn't agree with me, so taking a different
point of view is risky. He didn't love me back, so loving is risky. He won't like me if I
don't do what he wants, so doing what's best for me is risky. Creating opportunity and new
possibility is risky, so I better not rock the boat. He didn't give me the promotion, so
asking for a raise is out of the question. Living life my way is risky, so maybe I'll just
take what comes, instead of creating what I want. I get the chills just reading those, and
realizing how much of my life I've made up these stories.
The choice is ours to live in fear of risk, or in
spite of it. What risk will you take today?
6- Be willing to make, and
accept your mistakes.
Our best learning, understanding and growth come from our mistakes, not
our successes. Success does teach us much, but mistakes teach us more. How many times did
you fall down learning to walk? Did that stop you?
In the movies, when a scene doesn't work, the director yells,
"CUT!" Then, he repositions the actors on the set and yells, "TAKE
TWO!" The director doesn't give up after the first take. He acknowledges that it may
require many "takes" to get the scene the way he wants it. How would your life
be if you could look at every "choice" as just another "take" on life?
If it doesn't work out, yell "Cut!" and do another "take." Life
requires many "takes" to get it the way you want it, so why waste so much energy
regretting the takes that don't work? Leave them on the cutting room floor.
Keep "taking" life on until you create the life you want.
Acknowledge mistakes. Make it a game. "Oops, I goofed!" It's very human to make
mistakes. You can't swing and miss the ball if you're not in the batter's box. Hiding
mistakes is also human, and very draining. We gain energy when we just come right out and
say, "I made a mistake." Be the first to declare your mistakes. Be proud of your
mistakes. It means you're on the field, participating in the game of life. You'll have
plenty of time to make no mistakes when they throw the dirt in your face or cast your
ashes upon the waters.
In the meantime, "Take two!" What part of
your life would you like to take again?
7- Let go of your
judgments about yourself and others.
In the background of life is our operating system, but in the
foreground of the operating system is where we judge and evaluate (more like critique) the
decisions and choices we make. It's tough enough to live in a world where people are
judging us. There is no shortage of critics in the world. We don't need to add the weight
of our own judgments to our life, yet, our minds are constantly chattering, judging.
Most judgment is not constructive, but critical and destructive. As we
see with objective clarity how we think, why we think the way we do, what we value and pay
attention to, and maybe most important of all, what we miss (blind spots), we understand
and have power over our thinking and decision-making processes. When we eliminate judging,
we open the door to acceptance, forgiveness and new choices. The person you have to accept
and forgive first and foremost is who? You got it. YOU!
Release your judgments, accept your choices (and
those of others) and forgive yourself (and others) for EVERYTHING. Then watch the world
transform before your eyes.
8- Find people who will
support and empower your choices.
Are you an "I'll do it myself" kind of person? I spent far
too much of my life being supportive of others, yet not being supportable by others. Give
up the notion that doing it yourself makes you strong. It just makes you alone. Be
supportable.
This is an inter-dependent world. If you try to do it yourself, you're
missing the experience of cooperation and collaboration, and you withhold from others the
joy of supporting you. It took me nearly 45 years to let go of that mistaken idea, which
has cost me dearly. You can't be honestly supportive without being truly supportable. They
are two sides of the same coin.
Be willing to say, "I need help," or "I value your
support," or "I'd like your perspective," or "I made a mistake,"
or "I'm scared and confused," or "I feel like I'm off course," or
"What would you do if you were in my shoes?" or any other question or statement
that enlists another person's support. Let people into your world, especially those who
love you. This is not easy for those of us who were weaned on the idea that you keep
things to yourself, and handle life by yourself.
It's generous to be vulnerable and open up to others. It's humble and
healthy to accept help, and admit you do not have all the answers. Get rid of the need to
be "strong" or right, and to go it alone. Make the choice - be unconditionally
supportive and supportable. Start today.
Who will you support unconditionally? Who will you
allow to support you, unconditionally? Call those people right now. You'll make their day,
and yours.
9- Invest time in being
and doing what matters most.
In Richard Bach's wonderful book, ONE, he says, "You gave up your
life to be the person you are today. Was it worth it?" How many of your choices are
made by default, not by design? How often do you react to life, rather than respond?
We invest so much time thinking about what we "ought" to be,
"have" to do, or "got" to have, that we lose touch with WHO WE REALLY
ARE and what we are HERE TO DO. We hardly notice the programs running our lives. They are
deeply grooved, and silent, running like background muzak in an elevator. We make
decisions like our hearts pump blood - involuntarily.
Choice is not involuntary. Choice is conscious. Decision-making is one
of the most challenging things in the world to do because of all the stuff that comes with
it. When we make decisions, especially those that don't work out, the lament seems to be,
"I had no choice." When you "have no choice" you allow the
circumstances to rule. In some way, and at some time, WE HAVE ALL BEEN IRRESPONSIBLE.
That's also human. But it's past - it's over and done with. Put it behind and let it go.
CHOICE is responsibility. CHOICE is freedom. When we choose, we create
possibility and space to live life. Decisions are hard. Choices are easy. Our
considerations and reasons WHY, or WHY NOT cause us to lose touch with what really matters
most to us.
If you want to be happy and have life work, CHOOSE it. Choose your
choices. If they work, they work. If they don't, make another choice. "TAKE
TWO." In a free society, you have freedom by birthright. The essence of freedom is
the freedom to choose. Pretend there is no afterlife. This life is not a dress rehearsal.
Choose it.
From this point on, make the CHOICE. Be who you are
and do what matters most.
10- Consider the
possibility that you are here to have a great life.
What would your life be like if you filled it with joy, satisfaction,
fulfillment, success and love? Are you willing to accept that there are more choices than
you can see? Absence of evidence is not evidence of something's absence.
You CAN live YOUR LIFE aligned with YOUR VALUES and UNIQUE GIFTS. Being
authentically YOU is the highest and best way to live. You can be more fully alive, and
live more fully in all areas of life. Open up to the possibility that you deserve it, are
worthy of it, can be it, do it and have it.
Our thinking either limits life, or opens up possibilities. As Thoreau
said, "most people live lives of quiet desperation," when we could be LIVING LA
VIDA LOCA. We "kill off" possibility because we make decisions, rather than
choices. We live inauthentic lives when we don't live in alignment with who we are and
what we value.
One of the biggest fears I hear people express is the fear they will go
to their graves with their music left in them. We have good excuses, great reasons, and
all kinds of valid considerations for why we can't be, do and have the life we want. We
can have excuses, reasons and considerations, or we can have life. In the end, we die
anyway.
In the meantime, CHOOSE LIFE. Where you have been,
whatever has come before, whatever is going on right now, is only prelude. Life is not
inevitable, unless you think it is. It's a series of moment-to-moment choices. Start
today.
Embrace the power you have to re-create your life, not from gotta,
oughta, have to, or supposed to, but from CHOICE. Yes, life requires us to face the
outcomes and results of our choices. The iron law of the universe is that cause yields
effect. If you are trapped in a self-imposed prison of limited or NO CHOICE, all
"decisions" will create stress, tension, worry and anxiety, and sap the life out
of you. Decisions can feel like life or death, and from that frame of reference, our whole
world can hinge on being right. Give that up. Being right leads to the "who stole my
cheese" kind of life, and our attention shifts to finding fault and fixing blame on
someone or something.
The difference between rats and humans is that humans continue going
down the path with no cheese, steadfastly refusing to accept that there's no cheese. The
choice isn't working, but we believe the cheese will magically appear, as long as we keep
persisting. We wear our pride and persistence like a badge of honor.
Are you ready to have a great life? If so, give that up. I did. It was
one of the most liberating days of my life. As uncomfortable as it may be to admit and
confront this pattern of living, accepting response-ability for your choices frees and
liberates you to live your life again, without the stress and tension of having to be
right.
I'll ask you to make ONE MORE DECISION.
KILL OFF ALL OTHER OPTIONS AND ALTERNATIVES.
DECIDE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE IN THIS MOMENT.
CHOOSE LIFE. It will be the very best
"decision" you ever made.
Are you are ready to...
> break through to new possibilities of living
in the personal, family, work, physical, mental and emotional areas of life,
> boost your self-esteem, self-worth,
self-confidence, and clarify your self-direction,
> transform the quality of your relationships,
> be more alive and self-expressed in the roles
you play,
> generate greater prosperity and abundance in
all areas of wealth,
> create balance in your life,
> make choices that empower you and others around
you,
> find out with certainty how and why you think,
and what you value,
> reveal the shoulds, oughts, have to's and
gottas that control and rule your life,
> remove the constraints, obstacles and barriers
to getting what you want,
> discover what blocks you from having life your
way and living a life you love,
> spend more time doing what matters and what you
really value,
> expand your options and alternatives in career,
work and business,
> make choices with less stress, tension and
anxiety,
> be worth more in the marketplace and bring more
value to every interaction,
> understand and celebrate yourself for who you
are, and accept who you're not (accept others, too),
> recognize and appreciate the unique,
irreplaceable and infinite value you have,
> feel good about YOU, and create possibility to
be, do and have a life you love,
then...
I invite you to...
Complete your Value Profile TODAY
Not sure yet? Read why...
Join our Mastermind Coaching Group |
